She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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