My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize