Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
