I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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