Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
