you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize