I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
