she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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