i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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