At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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