I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
