nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
