I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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