i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We have so much sex to catch up on
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
