This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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