Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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