I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
