I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
