I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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