When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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