Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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