I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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