Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
