i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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