You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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