I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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