me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
