I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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