so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
