he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
