3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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