I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize