mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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