airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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