You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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