it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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