My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize
