I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
