She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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