U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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