my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
