My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
