Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
