I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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