Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
