and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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