I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
