you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
