I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
