Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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