I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
