WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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