She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The air taste purple.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
