you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
