i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
