if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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